Never underestimate the power of the
perfect kiss. Get it right, and the rest will fall into place
It has been theorized that a woman decided within five minutes of meeting a man whether or
not she will have sex with him. Possibly true, but there is one catch. Most women I know,
myself included, may initially decide we'll have sex with a guy, but when we find out he's a
bad or a mediocre kisser, we change our minds entirely.
We decide we will never have sex with this guy. He won't even get asked for a nightcap,
much less for breakfast the next morning. As our lips part while we stand on the doorstep, we
will announce that we have an early-morning meeting or (if you were really awful) that we're
actually already married to someone else.
What Women say about the Kiss!
What we will never, ever say is, "God, you're a lousy kisser. I was going to
have sex with you until just this moment." This is one of the ways in which men and women differ.
If a man is very attracted to a woman but discovers she's a bad or mediocre kisser, he'll
probably have sex with her anyway if presented with the opportunity. A woman can't get past a
bad kiss. (Unless, of course, she's a horrible kisser herself, but we're not talking about
those women here.) Experience has shown most women that a bad kiss only spells trouble down
the road, so to speak. After all, if he hasn't mastered kissing and fails to see its sensual
possibilities, what hope is there for, ahem, anything else?
What makes a Good Kiss?
Oh, the egos we would crush if men could hear the post-mortems. If any guys happen to be
running with us, they immediately demand to know what exactly constitutes a bad or good
kisser. So we tell them about the all-purpose litmus test: A bad kisser, reguardless of
whether he likes to secrete a gallon of drool or waggle his head like a dog menacing a bone,
seems to be simultaneously thinking: " When can we get to step two? And three and four? Is
she aroused yet? can I put my hand on her breast now?" He sees kissing as the next step on a
carnal quest. The good kisser, however, sees the kiss as the destination itself. He kisses as
if he will never do anything else with this woman, as if he never wants to do anything else
with this woman. He kisses as if this is what he's been dying to do for years and he wants to
savor every moment. I guarantee you that this is when the woman decides there will be other
activities on the agenda.
Kisses a Woman wants and those She doesn't
The disappointment of a bad kiss is a recurring topic of discussion among a group
of single women I run with in the park several times a week. "It turns into a fabric softener
thing," says Nora, a blond from Dallas, when describing the previous night's date. "You know,
where the guy kisses you and it's so bad but you've got to finish it up so your mind wanders
and you start wondering if you have enough fabric softener to do two loads of laundry the
next day?" She laughs. "So I'm thinking about that, and the guy says, "Wow! You're very
passionate."
The first thing to remember: When in Doubt, Go Slowly. Make that first kiss slow and
gentle and easy. While you may want to demonstrate that you're a cauldron of seething desire,
save that for later, when you're both sufficiently warmed up. In the meantime, resist the
urge to mash your face against hers so hard your teeth collide and she ends up with brush
burns from your stubble. One woman in our running group actually passed out during a
particularly bad kiss of this sort, when the man pressed his face to hers so tightly he
blocked off her nose with his cheek, mistook her thrashing for passion, and suddenly felt her
body go limp. "I was out for maybe thrity seconds," she says. "Fortunately, he had me in a
bear hug, so I didn't hit the ground. Of course, he thought I passed out because the kiss was
so good." This is what's known as the Harrison Ford School of Making Out. Watch him in the
movies,and watch his costar's face get twisted out of shape from the sheer force. this is
also why they're panting afterward. It's not from desire, it's oxygen deprivation. So the
second thing to remember while kissing is to make sure she can still breathe through her
nose.
There are other movie stars who perpetuate bad kissing styles. There's the Tom Cruise
Method (as seen in Top Gun), whereby his tongue is already slithering out before he's met her
lips. This is also referred to as the Lizard-King Style, and once lip-locked, it may also
feature the rather grotesque tongue-insterted-rapidly-in-and-out. Most women do not cherish
the idea of kissing a large anaconda, which is what this must be similar to. Equally
unappealing is when the guy's tongue seems to be on a thorough search for any food trapped
between the woman's molars. This is her tongue's job, not yours. The only response possible
is for the woman to open her mouth wide and remain motionless while he finishes his routing,
a posture that calls to mind trips to the dentist.
The Right Way To Kiss a Woman
Like great sex and
good dancing, any tongue action should involve a give-and-take, with both parties allowed the
opportunity for interaction in a saliva-laden minuet. Get into a groove with this, and every
now and then you may want to stop for a short time while still joined at the lips. Like being
on a dance floor and suddenly holding your partner motionless, it can have the galvanizing
effect of heightening the sensation. this is ideally practiced in places like a dark booth in
a dive bar with a great jukebox. Just make sure your sleeve doesn't catch fire from the
candle on the table.
The Best Kisses and a request for you guys
Daniel Day-Lewis belongs in the kissing hall of fame for Best Use of Hands. He gently
caresses his costar's face and touches her hair, a model of how hands can increase the erotic
pleasure of the moment. Bear in mind the hands should not be used to prevent the woman from
going anywhere or to clamp her head into one uncomfortable position. Remember most women like
men to toy gently with their hair. After decades of bad press about sticky hairsprays and
helmet hair, most of us have been using products to enhance "touchability" and are favoring
hairstyles that look good a bit tousled. So go ahead and touch hair. And quit using all that
sticky hairspray and goo so we can go back to touching yours.
Finally, I offer this suggestion: Try opening your eyes. I once cautiously opened my eyes
while kissing and saw a pair of brown eyes staring back at me, which made the kiss even
better because it became more intimate. Some people find
this to be an impossible task (like sneezing with your eyes open), but while the prevailing
belief is that we must try to block out all other sensations, you may find that kissing with
your eyes open is the sensual equivalent of making
love with the lights on. And if you're going to be kissing for several hours in a make-out
bar, it's a good idea to peek periodically at the where-abouts of your drinks, her purse, and
your wallet.
Esquire GENTLEMAN, Fall 1995.Volume 3. No. 2. pg 41-42. Savoir Faire Column
